Everybody Needs Control – My Daughter’s Insight into a Universal Truth
When my daughter was about three and a half years old, we were having a conversation (per usual) on the way to our parent-co-op preschool. I don’t remember the exact details of the discussion, but I will never forget a pearl of wisdom that emerged from this little human in the back of the car: “Mama, everybody needs control." Although she was a very early fluent speaker and was precocious, I was still floored by that insightful, well-thought-out, statement. Eyes wide, I looked in the rear-view mirror and said, “Yes, sweetie, you're right. Everybody needs control. You are so, so right.”
I think we were talking about how children act out, which makes her comment even more poignant given my line of passion (I’ll bet you were expecting me to say “my line of work,” but that just doesn’t quite fit!). How often do we, the adults in the room, act out (i.e., make wasteful or harmful choices in speech or behavior) because we feel out of control? Too often, I believe.
How Our Thoughts Influence Choices and Behavior
We are always seeking control, which isn’t an inherently bad thing. The potential issue is that we often try to gain control without realizing what is behind the urge—a need for predictability, a way to feel safe. How we try to gain control (some may call it power) is sometimes helpful and sometimes not. We may resort to trying to control others (rarely productive) when it may be internal control we’re after.
As I grapple with existential questions, sometimes feeling unsettled about choices I've made, paths I've taken or not taken—the usual stuff of life's ponderings—my daughter's insightful words come back to me. I’m reminded that my only real control is over my thoughts, which I allow to take up space in my mind because our thoughts shape our behavior and choices. I alone decide whether I see my life as wasted or impactful, whether I focus on the good I've done or the mistakes I've made. I alone choose to see progress or setbacks. And how I think and feel directly influences how I act.
Given my background (psychology, coaching, well-being), it may seem ironic for me to forget such a truth nugget from time to time. Yet, as a normal human being, I also periodically allow life’s circumstances to hijack my awareness and perspective, not unlike the healthcare provider that develops a disease influenced by lifestyle choices, the mechanic whose car falls into disrepair, or the psychotherapist whose teenager gets into trouble with the law.
At some time or another, each of us will forget what we know and how we try to be. It is our mindset, our collection of thoughts, that will influence whether we get back on track or stay stuck in the mud. This return to knowing—that I am the owner of my thoughts—is like a winch easing me out of the rut.
I'm grateful that I had a moment of reconnection to this truth nugget today, sitting in my little patio, gazing at the plants I have nurtured this season. Not only is this my place for grounding, reflection, and self-regulation, but it reminds me of their internal code that urges them toward not just surviving but thriving, I remember and reconnect to my urge to thrive. I realize that lately, I have given up my one real power, my one source of control: which thoughts, of the many moving through my mind, do I choose to feed and empower? It's comforting to remember that no one else chooses my thoughts. That power belongs to me alone.
Neuroplasticity and the Power of Choice
I've always been intrigued by the idea of wave function collapse in quantum mechanics. Now, quantum physicists, forgive me for using this concept in a different context, but it helps me, and maybe it will help others: when I choose one thought over another, all other possibilities at that moment disappear. That's real power. And, thanks to neuroplasticity, every time I choose a certain thought, I strengthen the brain networks tied to it, making it easier to think that way again in the future. Do you see where I’m going with this?
A Reflection on Control: Choosing Which Thoughts to Nurture
It's like the plants on my patio. I don't just plant a seedling and leave it to grow on its own. I nurture it with the right amount of water, sunlight, nutrients, pruning, and support. Eventually, with the proper care, the plant follows its natural design and thrives. We're no different. Our Brain-Mind-Body System™ is wired to thrive, but we need to support it by recognizing the crucial role our thoughts play. Just as I control how the plant is nurtured, I control which thoughts I allow to take root—and no one else can choose those thoughts for me.
Written by Colleen Mizuki | Trellis Co-founder, Coach, and Trainer